..:: Filmb.in ::..
* I wouldn't bet ya that it could happen
* Not even under the stars
* I wouldn't bet ya that it could happen
* Not with flamenco guitars
* But you can bet me that it could happen
* Her eyes are open, but her hearts nappin'
* How can she help it temptations tappin'?
* Under the yum yum tree
* I wouldn't bet ya that she'll start sighin'
* Not even under the moon
* I wouldn't bet ya that she'll start buyin'
* That old reliable tune
* But you can bet me that she'll start throwin'
* A million kisses and she'll start glowin'
* The happy juices will sure start flowin'
* Under the yum yum tree
* When the yum yum's in bloom
* She's bound to lose her heart
* All that natural perfume
* Should make the fireworks start
* I wouldn't bet ya though you've embraced her
* You're quite as smart as you thought
* I wouldn't bet ya though you have chased her
* You're not the one who's been caught
* In all the lightening and all the thunder
* It's gonna make you begin to wonder
* Just who it was who led who under the yum yum tree
* The yum yum tree
David, that tickles, darling.
You know what drives me crazy? What?
Time we're wasting.
Robin, marry me. Will you?
David, we've been all through that.
I won't be lobbied into marriage
by over-stimulated glands.
Rob, this is different.
But, David, I want to marry you out of love,
deep, real and absolute.
I don't want to be carried away by my own fermenting juices,
like some girls I know.
When the temperatures cooled down, what were they left with?
Corroded hopes, unfulfilled dreams, and a house full of children.
Well, no, thanks. Not for me. Rob.
That's why the plan we've worked out is so perfect, David.
To live together without sleeping together.
Why, it's an absolutely brilliant way
to find out if we're compatible.
It's crazy. Honey, you're asking
for a silk-smooth marital future
without any problems whatsoever, and there ain't no such animal.
Well, for Pete's sake, we can try.
You're wacky, you know that?
You're... David, it makes very good sense.
We find out if we have real character compatibility... Uh-huh.
...to see if we fulfill each other's non-physical needs.
Now, David, you agreed.
I don't agree.
Now, honey, I'm going along with this thing
because I happen to be in love with you,
but that doesn't alter the fact that you are a genuine, gold-plated kook.
Who ever heard of normal, supposedly sane people
living together in such a nutty setup?
David, I want...
All right, all right. I said I'd go along with it.
Then it's all settled? Oh, David!
All I have to do now is find an apartment.
You know, you're really oblivious.
Nobody goes out around here and finds an apartment.
I have married friends who've been searching for months.
Don't worry about it. I will find an apartment.
You will find an apartment. Bye-bye. I have to run.
We're all dying to know how it works out. Keep us informed, won't you?
Do you know that I'm gonna have to figure out a way
to keep my parents from finding out?
They'd go screaming berserk if they knew I was living with a man.
Your toothbrush hanging right by Dave's, side by side.
Ooh! It sounds so deliciously illicit. I get goose bumps.
May I say, I don't think the divorce rate is the entire picture
of disharmony and discord.
How do you mean?
Well, think of all the thousands of marriages where there is not divorce.
People just go on living together in mutual dislike.
I agree with Ardice. And one reason this happens
is because kids get married before they're emotionally mature.
They think it's love, but it's really just intense physical attraction.
Exactly.
Kids go start necking, they lose all power of rational thinking.
There has to be a courtship.
A boy and girl have got to get to know each other.
In the front seat of a parked car?
God, when you're so busy necking,
who's got time for a character analysis?
Try taking notes.
I did.
All right.
Tomorrow, the first four chapters of Neurotic Interaction in Marriage,
edited by Dr. Victor Eisenstein. That's all for today.
Oh.
Bye-bye, Irene.
Robin, there was a call for you yesterday from San Francisco.
Did you get it? Yes. It was only Mother.
She wants to know if you're coming up for Easter vacation?
I meant to write. I'll take care of it.
Irene, can I ask you an impertinent question?
Why, as your teacher or your aunt?
More as just a woman.
Before you married Uncle Frank, did you...
Did I what?
You know.
Well, I was hoping I was mistaken.
I'm not passing moral judgment.
I'm just doing personal research.
You know, Dave and I haven't.
It's not necessary to announce that fact.
Robin, sometimes you can be unnerving.
I just don't want to make the same mistake you and Uncle Frank made.
I want my marriage to work. No divorces for me.
Could we discuss it another time?
I really have to rush, darling.
Translate the passages of Homer on page 10 tomorrow, all right?
Charles.
Hi. Listen, I've got two whole free periods to help you move, Irene.
Sure it's not inconveniencing you?
I'm sure. Hello, Robin.
Hi. Move? Who's moving?
Dr. Howard has kindly consented to help me move.
From that divine apartment? Why?
Irene, come on. We're going to be late.
I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Bye-bye.
Irene, has anyone got your apartment yet?
Irene!
Today's the day, huh, Miss Wilson? You need any help?
No, my friend will help me.
I never realized how much I collected.
I know, filled up with junk.
Look at this place. Terrible, terrible.
Hey, I had no idea. This is charming.
A lot of people find it quite pleasant.
Well, why do you want to get out of it?
I don't know. Moving time, I guess.
Those two are ready. You can take those down if you want.
All right. Well, I suppose it's pretty expensive, too, right?
No, just $75 a month.
$75 a month?
Well, that is unbelievable. This has to be the greatest buy in town.
Yes, I guess it is pretty good.
Would you just take the bags down, Charles?
And you want to move out. I don't get it.
I don't understand. $75 a month.
Sorry to be late, darling.
Where were you?
Now, don't you get me started, Francis Murphy.
Fine time to bring a working man his lunch.
Do you realize what time it is?
I spent the whole morning picking up after you.
Big deal. Seems to me
you could hang the pajamas up instead of flinging them all in the icebox.
And that bathroom!
Liverwurst and pickle sandwiches.
There's a nice combination for a man with a peptic ulcer.
Shaving cream and old razor blades every which way, and old...
Excuse me, please.
Who's that? A friend of Miss Wilson's.
Helping her move.
That poor, dear sweet thing.
I want to go and say goodbye to her.
Hogan sure gets a nice turnover here.
Move one out, move another in.
Beats the heck out of marriage.
Find a nice place to live?
Yes, the faculty dorm. Very nice.
Well, bye. Sure going to miss you.
Hey, Dorkus. A beautiful morning, huh?
It's 2:30 in the afternoon, for your information.
So it is. Well, it's all a question of metabolism, you see.
Some of us are day people, and some of us are night people.
The mind shudders at what you do
with your nights in this place.
Literally shudders.
Mmm-hmm.
Is that your breakfast?
I feel sorry for people who don't drink, Dork,
because when they get up in the morning,
that's as good as they're gonna feel all day.
Yech!
Hey, say, did Irene happen to say
what time she was... All right.
What time she was moving her things out?
I want to see her before she goes.
Well, you'd better hurry.
She's over there loading up right now.
Already?
Anybody home?
Well, hi, there.
I was wondering if you were going to say goodbye.
Say, now, you didn't think I was going to let you walk out of here
without even a fare-thee-well, did you?
Is that what you think of me?
Of course not. I was just waiting for the right moment.
You know, it's kind of awkward saying goodbye.
Yes, I know. Here's the last of the jonquils.
The window box is empty.
Last of the jonquils.
Well, it's somehow fitting.
Don't pull that unhappy bloodhound look on me, Hogan.
I'm really touched.
Hey, you're not really seriously taking this thing with you, are you?
I love this thing. He's dear and sweet.
Look at that face.
I'm gonna take him with me everywhere
to remind me of a beautiful relationship.
You're taking this kind of lightly, aren't you?
Hogan, it's over.
So why don't you be a big boy and just stop talking it to death?
Yeah, well, aren't you the least bit upset? There's no remorse?
No.
No little festering acrimony?
Just a teeny weenie bit?
None.
You'd walk out of here as if nothing ever happened?
Self-protection, darling.
Every woman has a little bit of it hidden away in her hip pocket.
Now, wait a minute. You mean you're not mad?
For heaven's sake, I told you, I am not mad!
Don't get sore.
I just didn't realize how little I meant to you, that's all.
You meant a great deal to me.
I was pretty much of a wreck when I moved in here.
My marriage was on the rocks and the natural depression.
You filled my lonely hours and made me feel like a woman.
You put zest in my life and started all the good juices flowing in me again.
Well, there must be a better way of putting that.
You make me sound like a Carter's Little Liver Pill.
Sorry. If I meant so much to you,
how come you're walking out?
Because I don't envision my future with the man in my life
shuttling back and forth between apartments.
You're mad? I am not mad!
Come on, out! Every poison pocket of rancor out!
Catharsis! I don't need catharsis.
Hogan, it is over. Absolutely and completely over.
So why don't you just shut up and stop beating it into the ground?
You're mad. Hi.
This is Dr. Howard, head of the language department at school.
Mr. Hogan, my landlord. Hi.
And you're from...
Just across the hall.
Yeah. Well, it's a very nice place she's giving up.
Well, thank you. I was just trying to convince her
that she shouldn't give it up.
Probably, it's time she had a change.
Charles, I think these things are all ready to go.
All right. Listen, Irene, this trip is going to fill up the car, I think.
You don't mind making another?
No, not at all. We got plenty of time.
Have you got room for one more?
Right here.
Don't bother to help, Hogan. It's all right.
Let me get the door for you.
Thank you very much, Mr. Hogan.
Well, goodbye.
Just like that?
Just like that.
Key to the apartment.
I guess that's everything.
Well...
Well, I had that made especially for you.
It's just a little favor to ask, but would you keep it, please?
Perhaps, now and then, when you look at it, you'll think of me.
Mr. Hogan, sir.
This bearing's gone haywire in refrigeration unit number three,
and Miss Struman's complaining her disposal ain't working again.
I thought you'd like to know.
Well, that's one of those details, Murph.
You're gonna have to take these things off my hands.
I got other problems on my mind, you know. It's very taxing.
Very taxing. Hi, Hogey Pogey.
Hi, lover. How are you?
Fine. How are you?
Good. Where was I, Murph?
"Other problems."
Would you take care of them for me? Yes, sir.
You just save your energies.
I got the flowers. They're just beautiful.
Thank you. You're just so welcome.
But it's embarrassing, Hogey. Why?
I mean, you keep sending me those flowers,
and I haven't paid the rent for just months.
Well, I'll be around one of these days to collect it.
You can go easy on that oil, or you'll slip off the porch.
Cover up, it's peeping Tom, the friendly landlord.
Thank you, Hogey. You're adorable. You really are.
I always say, "Happy tenants make a happy landlord."
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Hi, Hogan.
Hi, Clyde. Wow!
Hey, buddy!
Apartment for rent? Where do you find the landlord?
Well, you're looking at him, son, but I never rent to men.
That's a rule of the house. Besides, I was young once myself.
I know how wild you kids can get.
Now, wait a minute, sir. I'm not like that.
I'm on the track team.
I said, I'm on the track team.
The worst kind.
Pole-vaulting, high hurdling around here.
This is a very respectable unit, my boy.
It's all elderly, family-type folk around here.
Yeah, chess and checkers group, maybe a bingo once a month.
Besides, you couldn't afford the rent. Try me.
$450 a month. I can't afford it.
I didn't think you could.
Up in Miss Wilson's.
Can I help you with anything?
No. Are you the new tenant?
No, I'm the landlord.
The landlord.
Yeah. I live right across...
Well, you have an adorable apartment here.
Well, thank you. I raced right over
as soon as I heard it was vacated.
It just slays me every time I see it.
You've been here before?
Yes, my aunt had it. Irene Wilson.
Oh! Well, you're the niece she was always talking about?
I can't understand why she'd want to give it up.
It's absolutely dream...
Oh, don't let that bother you. It sounds like somebody's strangling, doesn't it?
It's just the pipes clearing their throats.
Yes.
It doesn't bother me at all. I think it's just sensational.
Does it have linen and pots and pans and all?
Oh, yeah, sure, everything.
It's swell.
And everything's just in the right place.
That's exactly so true, isn't it?
You know, I'm a very bad businesswoman, raving about it like this.
Why? The price is probably sky-high.
$75 a month.
You're kidding?
Too much?
No, no, no. It's wonderful.
I mean, well, $75 is a lot of money for me,
but I certainly think it's worth it.
Yeah.
And may I have it, please?
Well, don't you think, first, we should know each other's name? I'm Hogan.
Oh. Well, how do you do, Mr. Hogan? I'm Robin Austin.
Robin Austin. But not "Mr. Hogan," just Hogan.
None of my tenants ever call me "mister." I live right across the hall.
Do you? That's very nice. Yeah.
Do you want to see references or something like that?
You've already shown me your references.
What?
No, that won't be necessary.
We'll get to those nasty little details,
like a lease and all, some later day? Huh?
You mean, that's it? That's it.
There you are. There's the key, and welcome to the Centaur.
What an adorable key. And heart-shaped, too.
Oh, my... Oh. Hmm?
I forgot to tell you something.
I'll be having a roommate.
Now, wait a minute... Mr. Hogan,
please don't spoil everything. We'll be very quiet.
My word of honor. Please.
Yes, I know, you see, but I can't.
I mean, I've never had two people in one unit.
What does your roommate look like?
Well, taller than I am,
very attractive, and dark hair.
Well, it might not be too bad with a blonde and a brunette...
I mean, two of you is just twice as much as one of you, isn't it?
Then it's okay?
I can't wait.
Well, thank you very much, Mr. Hogan.
And I'm sure we're going to be the best of friends.
Aren't we ever. I live right across the hall.
Yes, you said that before. Yeah. Listen, where are you going?
Well, I'm going to dash home and pack my things.
I want to move in right away.
Thanks again, Mr. Hogan, for every...
Not "mister," just "Hogan."
And don't you forget, if I can help you and your roommate in any way,
why, you just knock on that door. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Sweet thing.
Mind your own business.
Bye-bye.
It's so exciting.
- Hi. - Hello.
Hi, David.
Something wrong?
Nothing.
Boy, these really smell good.
The jonquils are in bloom again.
Mother Nature constantly replenishing herself.
Say, speaking of replenishing, wifey tells me we've got a new tenant.
Yeah, how about that? Female.
That's right. Two females.
That's right.
I like his style.
I hate to see you go, Miss Wilson. Can I help you with anything?
No, no, thank you, Murphy. Bye-bye.
Bye.
Robin!
Hi, Irene. How are you? I didn't see you.
Well, for heaven's sakes, what are you doing here?
I was going to call you and tell you the big news.
I got your apartment.
What do you mean, got it?
I took it. It's mine.
You're moving out of the sorority house?
Yes, isn't it wonderful?
Did you tell your mother?
Irene, don't be a spoilsport.
You know Mother would never agree
to let me have my own apartment.
She can't get used to the idea I've grown up.
Look, Irene, I'm dying to move in.
So why don't you come over tomorrow
for coffee and we'll talk, okay?
And remember, not a word to Mother.
And I'll see you tomorrow before class.
Bye-bye.
What's wrong? Nothing.
I hope.
What do you think?
Seventy-five bucks a month!
Isn't it adorable?
Well, yeah, but it's worth more than that.
You sure your landlord didn't say $175?
No, he said $75.
It's crazy.
Who cares? It's mine and it's beautiful.
Aren't you going to bring up the folding bed?
The bed. Rob, I tell you, I think I'll wait until after dark.
You know, appearances and everything.
Yeah. Yeah.
Seventy-five bucks a month.
Your landlord must have rocks in his head.
Well, there it is. The oven's set at 300,
and your roast will be done by 8:00 sharp.
Lovely, lovely.
I don't approve of this kind of goings-on,
but I'm being paid to do a job,
so I'll keep my mouth shut. Good.
Except I know what you've got in your mind.
You're not fooling me for one minute
with this cozy little dinner for three.
Gee whiz, there you go again.
Inviting those girls next door
for an evening of heavens-knows-what.
I'm just trying to be friendly.
It's my way of saying "Welcome."
Sure. Some welcome.
Dorkus, what are you doing?
Dorkus, will you cut it out, please?
Now, come on.
Dorkus, will you cut that... Now, come on, stop that.
Stop playing with my controls.
Now, I'm warning you...
This place ought to be raided.
I'm ready, honey. Evening, Hogan.
Wait till I get my hat and coat!
That wife of yours, boy!
Wow! You sure got yourself a nice little workshop here, Hogan.
Huh? Makes me wish
I was a couple of years younger.
Oh, oh. Yeah, well, good judgment.
Have yourself a drink while you're waiting for your wife.
Thanks, buddy.
Boy, could I operate with a setup like this.
You marvelous creature, you.
Lay back and tell me all about yourself.
No, no, from the very beginning,
when you were a darling little girl.
And take it real slow.
Murph!
What are you doing?
Nothing, honey.
Come on, we're going home.
Yeah, I'm coming.
Yoo-hoo!
Hello.
I'm the housekeeper for Hogan.
I thought I'd just peek in and say welcome.
The name is Dorkus. How do you do?
I'm Robin Austin. How do you do?
If you ever need anything, just call on me.
Well, that's very nice of you. Thank you.
Is your roommate around?
No, just downstairs getting some things out of the car.
Well, I probably ought to keep my mouth shut,
but you appear to be such a sweet young thing.
It's about your landlord.
Hogan? What about him?
Well, he's single.
And he's very active in certain fields.
They say this is the age of specialization,
and he's come up with a pretty good one.
I'm afraid I don't follow.
Well, I guess what I'm trying to tell you
is there have been lots of young ladies
in this apartment before you, and he's been very successful with them.
Him? Him!
Well, there's no accounting for some people's taste, is there?
Well, the point is, he's under the distinct impression
that you're the next in line.
Did he say that?
He didn't come right out and say it,
but I know he's thinking it.
He is really a sneaking, crawling, dirty man, that's what he is.
Well, thanks for tipping me off, Dorkus, but don't worry.
I can take care of myself.
Don't forget I warned you.
Warn your roommate.
Dorkus... Or is it Mrs. Dorkus, or...
Murphy. Murphy.
Mrs. Murphy, this is Dave Manning.
Dave Manning, Mrs. Murphy.
She works for Mr. Hogan.
Hi.
How do you...
No, no, no, that's not for me. You see...
Honey, she's bound to find out sooner or later.
Yeah. Well, then, it's not what it appears to be.
I'd like to explain our arrangement, Mrs...
Hush. Please.
Don't say another word.
There's no need to explain.
It's beautiful, just beautiful.
My blessings on you both.
It's not like that...
What divine justice this is for somebody!
Bless you, bless you both. Bye.
Bye.
Are you in for a surprise tonight.
What's so amusing?
I'll tell you when we get home.
I can't wait for some of that home cooking.
You inventive little devil, you.
Bye, honey. I'll be back in a second.
* Once more into the breach, my boy *
Oh.
Hey, there!
Don't be startled. It's just me, Hogan. Got a little gift.
I hope you like them. I grow them myself.
It's just a way of saying, "Welcome,"
and I do hope that we'll be the very best of friends.
Well, hi, there.
Who the hell are you?
Hogan. I live across the hall.
Yeah. Keep talking.
Well, give me just a couple of seconds to collect my wits, will you?
Believe me, it isn't easy. What isn't easy?
You know, it's a bit of a shock to see you come through the door there
with a towel wrapped around you like that and all...
Well, now, wait a minute, buddy... I expected to see someone
a little daintier than you, without hair all over their chest.
Well, now, look here... Who's shocked?
You know, I'm in there shaving, minding my own business,
and suddenly a man brings me flowers.
Yeah, well, I can see the confusion works both ways, doesn't it?
Well, it certainly does.
How did you get in here? Your door was open.
No, no, no, the door was not open. The door was closed.
How'd you get in? What do you want?
Hogan. I live just across the way,
and I dropped in to say welcome, and...
Well, just drop back across the way, okay?
And next time, knock!
Hi, Hogan.
There you are, my dear.
Hi, I just dashed out to get some groceries.
Here. I thought these might help brighten up your new apartment.
I grow them myself here.
Well, aren't you the dearest,
sweetest person in the world. Thank you. That's very kind of you.
Can I give you a hand with those?
No, they're not heavy.
Hey, look, this is... It's kind of awkward.
I guess I'd better just come right out and say it.
There's a man in your apartment, there.
Had soap all over his face. I think he was shaving when I went in there.
His name is David. Yes.
Well, it's perfectly all right. I mean, it's your apartment.
You do with it what you want.
I just thought that you should know that I knew about the young man.
His name is David.
You said that.
He seems like a very nice young fellow. We...
Probably madly in love with you, huh?
We plan to get married after he graduates.
I wish you the very best.
Incidentally, I had my servant whip up a little dinner.
I thought maybe you and your girlfriend would like to join me.
Girlfriend? Yeah, your roommate.
Oh.
Well, I appreciate it.
Well, thanks a lot, and that's very kind of you, but I'm bushed.
Maybe some other evening.
Thanks again for the flowers. They're just beautiful.
Good night, Hogan. Good night.
Hello, I'm home.
Hi, honey.
Hey, listen to this. While you were gone,
some nut from across the hall comes in, and he's got...
That's one of the things we're going to have to watch.
All right, I'll get a robe.
I don't think either of us should walk around in panties, slips or towels.
Things are going to be tough enough as it is, okay?
Yeah, okay. Well, anyway, what I was going to tell you,
this nut from across the way comes in, and he's got these...
That's Hogan. He's our landlord.
Our landlord?
He's a very dear sweet fellow, absolutely harmless.
Well, what's he hanging around here for?
I have no idea.
Rob. Yeah?
I've been giving us some more thought, you know,
and I'm not sure how I feel about this whole setup.
Well, that's absolutely charming.
Our first night, we've hardly finished unpacking,
and already you have doubts.
Yeah, well, now that I've moved in,
I can see what I've let myself in for.
Honey, this is an abnormal relationship between us.
It's not abnormal! Yes, it is.
Why, how can you talk like that?
Well...
The whole idea was to live together without sleeping together.
I know. I know.
Well, to get to know each other,
to find out if we have real, honest-to-goodness character compatibility,
to reveal ourselves, to exchange confidences.
Yeah.
Robin, you're using a lot of big words that don't make a lot of sense.
Well, if that doesn't make sense...
I mean, "character compatibility" and all that junk.
I know it sounds good, honey,
but ever since I came back to do post-graduate work...
We're going steady and living together, David.
In the history of man and woman, nobody has embarked...
David, don't make...
I'm hardly old-fashioned!
This isn't living together, either.
Maybe by your definition, but not by mine.
David...
A man and woman decide to live together,
for crying out loud, let them live together!
Not lying around eating breakfast and
playing musical chairs for the bathroom,
sleeping on cots and things like this...
All right, get away.
Get out!
You're in the... Go on, get out!
Come on, get out of there, please.
Now, that's what we agreed to, wasn't it?
Yeah, yeah, that's what we agreed to.
We didn't make love before, Dave.
No.
Well, this will be just the same,
except that we'll be together more.
No, it's not the same, Robin.
Before, when I left you, I could go home
and ease my tortured body under a cold shower.
So shower here.
Oh, yeah, with you rustling around in your sexy underthings.
I'll spend every waking hour under a running faucet.
I admit the plan has a few flaws. Flaws?
Well, I'll go along with you there. Honey, what about my libido?
Well, what about me? I'm subject to the same intoxications you are.
No, you're not. No, you're... What?
Well, you're not! Women have had centuries to perfect their willpower.
Well, if you're going to be flip about it,
maybe we should call the whole thing off.
Now don't be touchy about it, Robin.
You're always going to make it look like I tried to force you into it.
Will you just hold your voice down for a minute?
All I said was...
You made a bargain and you broke it.
I didn't break anything. Yes, you did.
I was standing here, calmly trying to...
I should have known better.
That's what I should have known.
You're turning into a little screamer, Robin.
Well, look, why don't we just call the whole thing off?
Why not? Well, I just might do that.
Well, go ahead. Okay,
if you want to be that way about it, okay.
Goodbye! Goodbye!
Dave!
Dave, I'm sorry!
I forgot I wasn't dressed.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't argue like that.
It was my fault, anyway.
Come on back.
Come on. Come on back.
Oh, no...
I had no right to be angry.
Well, I shouldn't have complained.
I made a bargain, and I'm going to stick to it.
You forgive me? Yes.
We'll probably have to cut that out completely.
Yeah. We don't want to go down in defeat before we even begin.
Listen, let's do something symbolic.
Like what?
Get your toothbrush.
A toothbrush?
I'll meet you in the bathroom.
Toothbrush.
Oh, my...
There.
With this toothbrush, I do thee wed.
Aren't they adorable? Side by side.
A position forbidden to us.
Well, I think it's about time we should get to bed. To sleep.
Separately.
In two different beds, yeah.
Yeah.
When do you like to take a shower?
Nights, usually.
Me, too. But I'll take mornings.
No, no, it makes no difference to me.
Well, we could trade off.
I don't think that's such a good idea.
All we'd have to do is get the schedule mixed up once and that's it.
True. And that'd be the end of our good intentions.
Yeah.
Well, I think I'll take my shower now.
Cover up, I'm coming through.
Hi, there.
Did I scare you?
How do you keep getting in here? The door was open again.
You gotta watch that. Yeah, Hogan. Just across the way.
Yeah, I know you live across the way. What are you doing in here?
I happen to own the building. Okay, you own the building.
As the landlord, I have certain rights.
Of reasonable entry.
Do you know it's 10:00 at night?
That's not reasonable entry, pal.
Listen, can I speak to you as a friend?
No, no, you may not. I want you to understand.
You don't have to be nice to me just because I happen to be the landlord
and have the right to evict you in a moment's notice.
Excuse me, I have to... What?
You know, I've been mulling this situation.
Now, as I get it, you are to occupy these premises
on a sort of connubial, non-conjugal basis, is that it?
What'd she do, throw it open for panel discussion?
Don't be silly. I eavesdrop.
It seems to me what we have before us...
Now, wait just a minute. "What we have before us"?
You gotta keep an eye on me, boy.
Now and then, I just get a little pushy.
Yeah, well... Let me say
that what you have before you
is a very highly-efficient piece of feminine rationalization.
Miss Robin Austin. Now let's just take her.
Young, very good manners, devoted to her parents and all of their influences,
and kind to old ladies and animals and all of that.
But she is blossoming into a full, robust womanhood.
Well, I hate to mention this, but those flowers aren't real.
Well, that doesn't matter
because there wasn't any water in the can, anyway.
See what I mean?
Here she is, blossoming, but she was taught in her formative years
that very properly, a young girl forgoes
any of the unmentionable physical endeavors.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. And you're leaving. I'm sorry,
I don't care if you are the landlord...
I have more experience. ...but good night!
The kid's impetuous.
All right, let's just look at it as if you were
having a talk with your minister.
Out!
Boy, he's in trouble...
Honey, who are you talking to?
Good evening, my dear.
How pretty you look in that adorable little outfit there.
What? Oh!
Where is Dave? Dave who?
I wonder who that could be at this hour.
Well, what are you doing out there?
Well, I just...
Honey, I want you to meet our landlord, Mr. Hogan.
Yeah, we've met.
David, stop that! David, please, take your hands off him!
David, really. I'm terribly sorry.
He's very rude.
Actually, I thought it might be a nice time
for all of us to discuss the new clauses in your lease.
What new clauses?
You naughty little thing, you.
You led me to believe another girl was moving in here with you.
I can explain that, really.
No, it's not necessary, no apologies.
It's just you do understand I'll have to make a few minor adjustments
in the lease due to the unorthodox nature of this arrangement.
Well, it's all perfectly proper. Yeah, we...
I know that, and you know it,
but does Captain Fogarty of the vice squad know it?
Vice squad?
He's talking through his hat, honey.
Well, fortunately, I found a solution. It's very simple.
I just put you down on the lease under a fictitious name.
What? Yeah, Vern Johnson
and Alma Hammerschlod.
Well, Hogan, I really think I should explain all this to you.
You see... Well, let me tell you about Dave Manning and myself.
Now, wait a minute, honey. It's none of his business.
Why don't you just run back upstairs
and let us men conclude this discussion?
Well, he is the landlord. You wouldn't want me to be rude?
Believe me, he wouldn't even notice. Now,
like a good girl, huh?
Well, if you two gentlemen can get along without me.
Yeah, fine.
Well, thank you for the flowers, Hogan.
Good night, you sweet thing.
Good night.
You sleep tight and undisturbed, I hope.
Okay, Hogan, now let's clear the air, huh?
Let's get everything said. Lay it on the line.
What is this little game?
Heart murmur. Doc likes me to check it now and then.
Let's talk, man to man. Yeah.
Now, do you really, honestly, intend to live here
with that absolutely, breathtakingly adorable creature
and never even consider yum-yum?
What are you talking about?
Fraternity man?
Yeah, yeah, Delta Chi. Delta...
Come on. Come on.
Well, I don't...
I don't keep up in it, you know. Come on.
A fellow Delta! Now, how about that!
How wonderful to have a brother living right next...
Well, that changes everything.
Now, I'm honor bound to tell you.
Tell me what?
Well, this arrangement will never work.
Why not?
Friend, you... Brother.
Well, deep down where you live,
in the secret recesses of your libido,
you know it's impossible. Well, I don't...
With that gorgeous, undulating creature 20 feet away?
Separated only by the gossamer-thin line of your willpower?
Well, not in one million years.
Well, I intend to try.
She trusts me, you know.
There's only one possible solution.
What's that?
Exercise.
Exercise?
Well, down through the ages,
the only known substitute for sex is physical exertion.
Well, take athletes. No trouble with their libidos.
Yeah. They just don't have any.
It all goes onto the playing field.
Why do you think that schools stress sports so much?
Well, I guess it's... Keeps the rate of hanky-panky
down to a minimum.
I never thought too much about that.
You got any barbells or Indian clubs or weights
or medicine balls, or any of that stuff?
No, I don't go in...
Well, that's your only hope.
I suggest that you just wear yourself out
with the pushups and the sit-ups and the deep knee bends, too.
Every time that your little thoughts turn to yum-yum, you push up.
Push up! Yeah, that's the only solution. Yeah.
Dave, is he gone?
Yeah, yeah, honey.
Thanks a lot, Hogan. I really appreciate this.
Well, what are you doing, boy? You're leaving.
Well, I'm not through yet. Yes, you are. Good night, Hogan.
Honey, let me help you with that.
I meant to do it. I can do it.
No, no, no, no. That's woman's work.
Well, I just thought this arrangement
would give us the least amount of contact
during the difficult hours.
Yeah.
It might be a little inconvenient,
but I think it's important to keep enticements
down to a minimum, don't you?
Yeah.
I would...
Excuse me.
It's my fault. I was over... "It's woman's work."
That's one of the things we're going to have to watch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Rob, I tell you what I was thinking...
David, good night.
Rob.
Come here. Come here.
Good night.
Get out! Get off of there!
Dave, what's that noise?
What are you doing down there?
Nothing, Rob. You wouldn't understand.
Good night, Rob.
Thirty seconds after blast off,
the rocket had cleared its primary entry and was reported on course.
Astronaut Mitchell says he's feeling exhilarated
and the view is spectacular. In Rome today...
Take these, and get off my back.
Have a good morning.
Good morning, Murphy.
My, ain't we the early bird.
I'll get it for you, Miss Page.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Looks like you run out of material.
Murph!
We were just talking about a leak in her sink.
Mr. Hogan! What were you doing in there, boy?
Here, take my handkerchief. Murphy.
What?
Get rid of that cat.
I'll get rid of her, Mr. Hogan.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, let's get you dry. Were you out there all night?
I don't want to ask you now, but when you got a minute,
I'd sure love to hear about last night.
After a nice hot shower and a little rest,
you'll be our old Hogan again.
What happened to him?
Found him in the bushes.
Must have been a heck of a party last night.
Oh, Murph.
Man, he's really living.
Well, okay. Honey.
What? Love you.
Mr. Architect, you forgot your drafting books.
I gotta be cracking up. Okay, now, drive slowly.
Yeah, okay. You sure you want to cut classes today?
Positive. I have a lot of things I have to get settled.
I want to stock the kitchen properly,
I have to go to the laundromat.
And I want to cook you the most
scrumptious dinner tonight, wait and see.
Okay. So long.
Bye-bye.
One more time.
Maybe I'll stay home from class today, too.
David, go to school. Mmm-hmm.
Yes. Well, you know, we have to work out the shower arrangements
and all of that sort of thing.
Hi, Irene. I'll call you back later, August.
Do you want some coffee or something like that?
Robin, I'm not going to waste time with pleasantries.
I saw David Manning leave just now.
Now, what's going on?
Now, wait, it's not like that at all.
I invited Dave to move in.
Yes! On a perfectly proper basis.
He sleeps there, and I sleep way up there.
Way up there. My, my, that's all of 20 feet.
We're living together platonically
to determine our character compatibility.
Character compatibility?
Why, yes.
Well, you're a grown girl now,
and you can carry investigation too far.
What have we done?
But you know what...
You mean he really sleeps here?
Cross my heart.
And David goes along with this arrangement?
Why, he's absolutely aligned with me
in this noble and beautiful experiment of the mind.
Sometimes, I think my students should be teaching me.
You know what I said, it just might all work out.
Miss Wilson! Dorkus.
Good morning, Dorkus. Hi, Robin.
Well, don't worry about me, Irene. Okay?
I'll try not to.
I'll see you later.
You get settled in some place nice?
What can I tell you? It's a roof over my head.
Is Hogan around?
He went to the barber shop.
Have time for a cup of coffee?
Love it. Made some fresh. Good.
Well, what I was worried about, quite frankly,
was Robin living next door to Hogan.
Shows what kind of a suspicious mind I have.
Why shouldn't you?
Because I'm skeptical, mistrusting,
jealous and all those horrible female things
I keep teaching my girls not to be.
Why, just because I moved out,
should I think that Hogan would want to take advantage of my niece?
Why indeed.
You know, I think I understand Hogan now.
You know what he is?
A poor, lost, lonely little boy
who looked for love and understanding from me.
You know, for a college professor,
you can be pretty stupid about some things.
No, no, no, no, that's one thing I do know. The psychology of the child.
I majored in it.
And Hogan is a child.
Just look at this place.
You know what it is? It's a playpen.
And that dear little gorilla doll he gave me.
That's the gift of a poor, lost, lonely little boy.
Before I throw up, and I may,
let me show you what Hogan majored in.
Majored in? Right this way.
Here's the poor, lost, lonely boy's closet of playthings.
Hogan's private zoo.
There you are.
For a 39-cent gorilla, he made a monkey out of you.
"Beautiful relationship."
Now over here, we have his private key shop.
Anybody for heart-shaped keys?
My very own key. "Think of me." Hmm?
Let us do a little history of this apartment unit
of poor lonely Hogan's.
I came to work for him about 1959.
That was the year Ericka had your apartment.
She was a stripper in a beer joint.
Ericka!
Then there was Cheryl. She was a very private secretary.
Cheryl?
Then Elise. I never did know what she did.
Elise?
Gretchen, she was a nurse.
Gretchen? Sybil Jane.
Sybil Jane?
Why, Irene, honey, what a pleasant surprise.
What was that all about?
Ericka.
Josie, Betty Jane, Monique, and all those others.
I could just brain you!
Well, as I... Before you, dear,
I mean, I was a bachelor with my own apartment house.
How utterly convenient.
Had a lot of fertile fields to plow?
Beats walking the streets.
To think I believed you.
"Your very own red key, think only of me."
Ooh! Darn you! Darn you! Darn you! Darn you!
What are you so mad at? Nothing. Nothing at all!
I accepted the end of our affair
like a gentleman. I did not go storming into your beauty parlor
creating a ridiculous scene like this.
I'm getting sick and tired and fed up of you girls
just wandering in and out of my life
and my apartment house at your own discretion,
taking advantage of my good nature.
How do you think it feels to know
that I'm nothing, more or less,
but a tonic for what ails women?
Do you know the frustrating story of my life?
Refreshing without filling!
You'll forgive that expression, won't you, my dear?
Will you keep your voice down?
No, I won't keep my voice down!
I want all my fellow men to know how I've been utilized!
You've been...
Yes, I've been utilized!
She wants me to stand idly by
while she brings a friend in, not to break the continuity.
Well, no dice. You're a nut.
He is. He really is. Let me tell you something else.
This child is absolutely wonderful. Bright, young, eager,
a body that will not quit. Don't think this lady hasn't filled
that sweet young thing in on my physical qualifications.
Oh-ho! Hee-hee!
Merciful heavens, will there never be a respite?
Bravo!
Did he mind sleeping out here?
No, he was very sweet about it.
Hi, there. Hi.
Girls, girls, girls.
I want you to meet my landlord, Mr. Hogan.
No "mister," just Hogan, from across the hall.
Well, don't let me intrude now. How do you do?
Would you like a piece of coffee cake?
No thank you, my dear.
We're having a coffee klatch. Oh.
You know, this is unbelievable.
How can one girl have so many attractive girlfriends?
Thank you. The last time I was alone
with this many beautiful girls
was when I was a little sprite.
There was a campfire girls' meeting up the hill, you know,
and I snuck in there and let all the air out of the marshmallows.
Murph!
Just doing a little pruning, honey.
Nice meeting you, Hogan.
Thanks for all those funny stories.
Bye-bye, Robin. Goodbye.
Nice to have seen you.
Goodbye, Hogan. Goodbye. Bye-bye.
Awfully nice to have seen you.
Come again soon. Bye-bye.
What a charming bevy.
Goodbye, Hogan. I don't have to leave yet.
Hogan, I do have things I have to do.
Such as the laundromat, Piggly Wiggly market, shoemaker.
I'm very... Well, good. I have nothing to do,
and I'll do it with you. Well, I don't want to impose.
Well, it's not an imposition. You'd be doing me a favor.
I'd be alone all day, and I hate that.
And besides, I love to Piggle and Wiggle and wash little things.
Here, let me take that. Not one more word from you.
You just consider old Hogan your slave for the day.
You know, I feel kind of deliciously guilty about skipping classes today.
Good for the soul, you sweet thing.
I used to be a college man myself, you know.
Pre-med, engineering, horticulture, one or two others, there.
Kicked out of three universities.
That's too bad.
Well, not really. I think it worked out for the best.
I find I function better in the fiery crucible of life,
mixing with people, you know?
Hogan, exactly what do you do? Hmm?
About what? For a living, you mean?
Yes, I think that's what I mean.
I own the apartment building.
Oh! Well, it's not really my fault.
You see, my antecedents came to California with the pioneers,
and now I'm stuck with property all over the place.
Well, that's too bad. Yeah.
It's all I can do to forgive my grandfather for leaving me so well off.
I've been sort of, I don't know,
deprived of the healthy natural struggle for existence
by being too rich.
Well, we all have our crosses to bear.
Yeah, isn't that the truth.
Here I am, forced to eke out my pleasures in other areas.
Like what?
What are we doing here?
Well, it seems like such a natural spot for a picnic.
Hogan, I have a million things I have to get done now.
I'm very busy. Rare bottle of Chablis.
And chilled, too.
Take me to the supermarket.
The supermarket? Are you sure? I am positive.
Thanks for helping me, Hogan.
It's awfully nice of you.
My pleasure.
Just put it over there, okay? Uh-huh.
Right here. Can you manage? Yep.
Okay.
Hogan, I've practically wasted your whole day.
Shouldn't you be doing something?
No, nothing to do.
Just hang around and help you. Say, listen...
What?
...sweet thing, some night, Bill... Dave...
Dave. If he has to work, or if he's too tired,
I want you to feel free to just pop across that hall
and knock on old Hogan's door,
and let me take you out to dinner. Will you do that?
Well, thank you very much, but Dave has so much energy,
he practically never gets tired.
Oh. Good.
It'll be such fun fixing dinner for the man you love.
Oh! Oh. And I want to thank you for helping me select this wine.
Dave just loves wine.
It's going to be so beautiful and romantic and...
Dave is just going to love it.
Yeah. And with all that energy...
What? I just remembered something I forgot.
What? I've gotta pop off, and I'll see you later, huh?
Okay, goodbye. Thanks for everything.
Pas de quoi, you sweet thing.
My energy is just fine, thanks! Shh!
I'm only trying to help you.
Yeah, yeah.
You remember last night? I remember last night.
If you think last night was rough, buster,
you wait and see what she's got in store for you tonight.
Even the pushups aren't going to help you.
You'll be a goner before dessert.
I appreciate your concern, Hogan,
but what are you talking about?
Well, don't you see, your big problem is
you got too much energy, right?
Now I'm asking you, man to man,
give that sweet trusting child a fair break.
Exhaust yourself before tonight.
You're starting that substitute-for-sex routine again...
It's true!
You ask any middle-aged man.
They don't have any problem with carnal desire.
They come home from the office too pooped to care.
Yeah. We've got to exhaust you, my boy,
and before tonight. Please, will you...
Please, trust me.
I'm doing this for your good.
Will you put your trust in me? Huh?
Hi, honey, welcome home.
What?
I got a muscle spasm. What?
Under the shoulder, honey. It's kinked up a little.
You poor sweet lamb.
I'm awfully... Here, let me help you.
Here. My poor baby. Come on.
That was delivered for you about 10 minutes ago. There's a note on it.
What's it for?
Well, it's for exercise. Oh.
They brought all this other stuff, too.
Did you buy it?
No, no. It's... Who's it from?
It's from a friend.
Isn't that nice?
Well, honey, I'm so glad you're taking an interest in sports.
Uh-huh. Well, I mean, it'll be a little problem storing it,
but as long as you're healthy, happy and all of that.
Okay. Well, dinner will be ready in a minute.
I'm going to go watch everything, okay?
Oh, boy.
You know, I never had a brother,
so I don't know much about men's interest in sports.
But I think a good wife should take an interest. Don't you?
Yeah, yeah.
Honey, how would you like it if I took golf lessons
after we're married?
Yeah, yeah, it would be a good idea.
What'd you say?
I wonder who that is.
Mr. Dave Manning?
Dave, it's for you.
Yeah, what is it?
Oh, my goodness.
I've never seen anything like that.
Excuse me.
Yes. Sign here, sir.
Oh, my... They're real.
Nice evening, isn't it, missus?
No, it's miss.
They're beautiful. Thank you.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
There you go. Well, thank you, sir.
Well, good night, folks.
Good night.
Like the sign says, good luck.
I wonder what's going on. There's no note to it. Who could have sent it?
I think it's from Hogan.
But what for?
Midterms. I think I mentioned that to him.
Well, isn't he the dearest thing?
To take all that time and expense
just to think of you.
Yeah, yeah.
He's a doll.
I almost forgot.
I'll get into the hang of it before the week is out.
A nice, ice-cold martini for when my poor, hard-working man...
Honey?
Are you asleep?
To me.
Hi, I'm sorry to bother you at this time of night.
Could I borrow a cup of sugar?
Why, sure. Come on in.
Thanks.
Be careful with the door. Dave's asleep.
I'll just tippy-toe like a little mouse.
Whatever happened to him?
I don't know.
Well, he came home exhausted, poor thing.
I didn't have the heart to wake him.
Martini is my favorite soft drink.
Shh! Shh!
Help yourself.
Thank you.
I'll go get the sugar, okay?
What are you cooking over there? Hmm?
Just a lonely little bachelor's dinner.
With a cup of sugar?
Listen, I've got a thought.
Here's your sugar. Thanks.
Your dinner's going to waste, and I hate cooking for myself,
so why don't you and I just sneak out and grab a fast bite?
Well, thanks a lot, but I really couldn't.
You can't rattle around here with pots and pans.
You're going to wake that boy up.
Well, that's true.
This kid is exhausted. I'm worried.
I mean, he needs his sleep if he wants to get good marks, you know.
Well, I don't know... Listen, I know a wonderful little
hole-in-the-wall. It's right around the corner.
We can just grab a hamburger and some beans.
Just an inexpensive little joint.
Okay with you, you sweet thing?
Bravo.
He found a '28 Romanee. It's my favorite wine.
This is what you call "inexpensive little joint"?
Well, it's an economic necessity.
The bank requested that I get rid of excess cash.
It's cluttering up their vaults. Where was I?
You were saying something about diversity. Yeah.
I didn't understand a word of it.
Well, I'll see if I can put it a different way.
Well, there must be 200 restaurants in this town.
Who's he with? My niece, Robin.
Robin? What's he doing with her?
I have no idea.
I hope.
Now, look, let's not start worrying about her. She's a big girl.
Now, let's see.
One needs a yardstick to judge everything, you see.
Even men, for instance.
Well, let's take men as a for-instance.
Again, diversity.
Now, there's a little rhyme that I've made up.
"Men are like cantaloupes, may I tell you why?" Why?
"To appreciate a good one,
"a thousand you should try!"
You didn't make that up. No. No, I didn't.
Well, maybe I read it somewhere. But how true it is.
Well, now, take you and Dave, how much better off you are with him
than with someone like me, for instance.
I mean, what have I got to offer a beautiful, young girl like you?
Except possibly unlimited funds and vapid, empty delight.
You'll be happy to know, now that we're better acquainted,
I can honestly state we have no problem at all.
Fortunately, you leave me cold. What?
Not that you aren't one of the most ravishingly beautiful creatures
I've ever seen, but I don't know, it's your mind.
My what? I admire your mind so much,
I barely notice that you have a body.
No offense. No, no.
We're going to get along marvelously.
Of course, one really should take into account
how unimportant a liaison with me would be,
should we feel one coming on.
A liaison of the mind. You admire my mind so much, remember?
Unfortunately, Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
has endowed me with other cravings, too.
I'd better warn you that when invidious forces take hold of me,
I'm not above craft and cunning to achieve my objective.
I'll keep my eyes open.
Good girl. Be alert,
because sometimes these devices are so well-concealed,
I don't even see them coming on myself.
Thanks for a lovely evening, Hogan.
You're welcome. It is fun, isn't it?
Come on over. We'll have a little nightcap at my place.
I got a hit record I want to show you. Hey, this way.
Good night, Hogan.
Now, look, look, now, we've barely begun to fight.
The evening is very young, you know.
Hi, there, old buddy-bud. Come on.
Hi, honey, did we wake you?
Do you realize it's 2:30 in the morning?
Well, I didn't want to disturb you,
and Hogan very considerately asked me out.
Swell. Swell. So you just left me on the couch over there,
passed out like cold mashed potatoes, on the couch.
No hard feelings, pal.
Let's all step in and discuss it over a friendly, stirring cup.
No, we're not stepping in. You're stepping out.
That's no way to treat a brother.
Out, Hogan!
You're angry, aren't you?
No. Why should I be angry?
My girl, out with another man, leaves me without even a note
to tell me where she's going to be. Why should I be angry?
Who collapsed on the couch after I slaved all day
over that lovely dinner?
I was pooped! What's the matter?
It's a kink.
If you had been through what I have been through today,
and no sleep last night... We're fighting again.
You're very good at definitions. This is a fight.
All right, I'm sorry. It's my fault.
I shouldn't have gone out.
Rob, honey, it's more my fault than it was yours.
I'm exhausted and I got angry. No, no. I got angry.
Because of that nut. No, I got angry.
No, it was my fault. No, really, I did.
Hey, let's not get into a fight over who started the fight.
Okay.
Anyway, we're both sorry. Huh?
Yes.
Rob, we'd better knock that off.
I tell you, I'm tired and my resistance to you is low.
Well, if you're so tired, how could you even think of sex?
Well, I'm not that tired.
Dave, you get to bed.
And I want you to get a lot of rest.
Yeah, Rob... And sleep well,
'cause you have to go to school
bright and early tomorrow morning,
and I've kept you up so late already.
Good night, you gorgeous thing.
What's that?
Nothing, honey.
Just stubbed my toe. Go to sleep now.
Good night.
Okay.
Sorry, it's just the water pipes.
Good night. Sleep tight.
I'll give it the big try.
Shh! Don't strike a match. I thought I smelled gas.
Gas. I scurried over as fast as I could
to warn you.
Okay, thanks, Hogan.
When did you first smell the gas?
I was out watering my flowers.
There's nothing more frightening than the smell of gas.
She probably left this oven on.
Thought I smelled electricity?
Can't be too careful. Hey, now that you're wide awake,
it's as good a time as any to get into this situation
between you and Robin in-depth.
Now, listen. Look... You got a match?
Early in the morning, I have examinations and...
How the hell do you keep getting in here?
Well, your door was open.
It was not open!
You've got a nerve. What?
I'm spending all my free time trying to help you win the girl of your choice.
You're standing on a legal technicality. Give me the key.
Oh, you're touchy. Come on. Come on.
Hogan, I am going to bed. No, no, no, you're not.
Now, look, you want to marry that girl?
I am going to show you how.
Where do you keep your matches around here?
There we are. Now let's get down to business.
First of all, take the subject herself, Robin.
I don't want you to take offense, son,
but that girl has got her clock worked in backwards.
So yours are perfectly all right.
Which, confirming my earlier opinions,
means that what she actually seeks is a man
who doesn't pamper her every desire, do you follow?
Now, Hogan, at 9:00 am in the morning,
I have examinations. Now, I gotta get some sleep, okay?
Yeah, you're darn right. Now, the problem is
how to set the stage, so that...
Now, pay attention to me, boy.
I've had a lot of experience in this field.
I'll be an inestimable help.
How lucky can I get?
Since this dear sweet child cannot face up to her unconscious desires,
it's up to you to make it easy for her to face up to the unfaceable. Huh?
What was that again?
And in such a way as to make it seem to her that she herself,
and not you, has dispelled her resistance.
Now, you follow that? Of course, of course.
It'd never do to simply go upstairs and attack.
That, she'd be bound to look upon that with disfavor.
Then how about sneaking up behind her
with a handkerchief soaked in chloroform?
What are you talking about?
Or a firm grip on a soft throat.
Brother, I don't think you're taking this thing seriously.
Now, you have got to listen to me, boy. It's imperative.
Give me the key. What I have planned for you
is a program of feigned indifference.
A policy of reverse English, shall we call it?
And hardly a woman alive can resist it.
Yeah, how many more of these things do you have?
The supply is inexhaustible.
Now, the thing is, you are going to have
to adhere to this with strict discipline, boy.
There is to be no compliments
and no whispered sweet nothings into her ear.
And no flowers and no candy. And most important of all,
you must abstain from all those
little niceties that women adore.
Do you follow me? Am I going too fast?
It sounds irresistible.
A short period of treatment like that
and she is primed for the kill,
if you get the picture. Do you get any use out of this thing?
What I don't understand is how you've managed to live so long.
Unseen forces watch over me.
Well, your luck just ran out.
What do you mean...
Boy, what is the matter with you? Why do you do that?
Can't you see I'm trying to help you?
This girl has got cravings and desires burning deep within her.
Let her burn!
It's attitudes like that, callous attitudes that make it tough on me.
Well, I might as well tell you, I'm sick.
What? I'm sick.
She's going to turn to me to put out the fire, and I'm sick of playing patsy
to the entire female contingent of central California.
You... I can't go on like this.
Not again. Look, son, you don't understand.
Look, start your program right away,
as soon as she gets out of the shower.
Show your indifference by leaving her alone with me.
Welcome to my apartment. I hope you like it, because I want you to know
that it is available to you at any time.
I mean, you might want to pop over here
and do some homework or maybe get some uninterrupted sleep.
And I'll just toot along back in
and continue to lavish her with attention.
Of course, that rules me out right away as a love object, doesn't it?
Here, simple, huh? Bye.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Be careful what you're grabbing there, boy.
* Grind away, you little devil The key to happiness *
Please, God.
Irene! Irene! Honey, Irene.
Dave, what happen... Irene!
What happened? Dave, what did you do?
I hit her on the head. What?
With a thing. How could you do that?
Well, I... Irene!
Can you hear me? Is she dead? Irene.
Irene, wake up. Wake up.
What could've happened? She's out cold.
Wake up, Irene. What happened?
He hit her with something.
Well, that's ridiculous.
You stay out of this, Hogan.
You gotta learn to control that temper.
I'm telling you... Stop shouting.
Well, then get him out of here. What?
Go get the brandy. Irene.
Going around poleaxing women like that.
How are you going to be a successful architect
if you get the reputation for being a hothead?
You want to take my advice in this matter?
Just button your lip and get out of here, Hogan.
Robin, give me the brandy. Irene.
Dave Manning, I don't know what's gotten into you.
How could you be so brutal to a poor woman?
I didn't know it was Irene.
Hitting her over the head with a bottle, or whatever it is.
I didn't do it on purpose. What do you think I am?
I'm not sure now.
Well, I find it doesn't pay to get panicky in these situations.
Women are very tough, you know.
They got much more fiber than you think.
Can I make a suggestion? The best place for this girl,
obviously, is her own bed,
so why don't you just pick her up and take her home.
And in the meantime, I'll do my level best
to try and calm poor Robin down.
You are full of helpful ideas, aren't you?
Why do you... There you go again.
Now, what's... A simple suggestion.
I am going to do now, Hogan,
what I should have done the minute you stuck your nose in our lives.
There you go again, lack of emotional control.
People are gonna talk about you.
You'd better pull yourself together.
You're going to be a lousy architect.
Lines all zig-zaggy jiggly, and I don't like the look in your...
Now, come on, fella. Now, come on, baby.
Take your pulse.
How's Irene?
Well, you have been an absolute beast ever since I came home.
Hitting this poor woman on the head like that.
Honey, I thought it was Hogan. Holy smoke...
And then screaming at everybody.
And why would you want to hit Hogan?
Why would I... Oh, boy! Well, I...
Where is Hogan?
He left unexpectedly. Irene.
Well, I'm glad this evening happened. You are?
Yes, I am. I've discovered a whole other side of you I've never known.
Well, now you know. I'm a raving monster.
You certainly are.
And with no provocation, either.
Just two nights without sleep,
no dinner, no girl, and this burlesque
of married life you've dreamt up.
Look at this place, honey. It is a junk heap.
Our little sanctum. Wasn't that what it was supposed to be?
Where we can reveal ourselves and exchange deep confidences.
With people walking in and out,
and doors opening and closing,
and a kooky landlord across the hall with 5,000 keys.
I tell you, lady, it's a nut house.
You are running a loony bin.
You're just terrible.
- Morning, folks. - Morning.
- How are you this morning? - Fine.
Here, kitty. Here, kitty. Come on. That's a good boy.
Come on. Come on. Here it is.
See you at lunch. And I can't wait.
I'll bet.
Hi, Murphy. How are you?
Couldn't be better, honey.
Murph!
Just watering the plants, honey.
Well, stick to your watering.
Mr. Hogan! Not again? What's wrong with you, boy?
You trying to kill us? Come on.
I don't believe this.
You sure got a funny way of getting your kicks.
You got a bed. Why don't you try sleeping in it?
We're running out of towels.
Get you right to bed. That would be better.
Found him in the bushes again.
Sure would like to know what he does with his evenings. Man!
Ah!
I am sorry and ashamed about barging in last night.
I don't know why I thought Hogan was here bothering you.
No, he was a perfect gentleman.
He brought me home and went into his apartment.
Well, that doesn't sound like Hogan.
I don't know. I saw the two of you dancing together,
and my female instinct just backfired.
When did Dave leave?
He insisted that I sleep on his cot,
and he went on to the fraternity house.
Well, anyway, the whole thing ended up in a terrible mess.
We said all sorts of horrible things to each other last night,
and he probably despises me by now.
I'm sure he doesn't despise you.
Well, if he doesn't, he should.
I botched things but good this time.
Hey, there. Hi.
How's the head?
Not bad. It's even possible the new contour
of my skull may be an improvement.
You have forgiven me?
I told you a dozen times.
I just wish your timing had been better, and you'd beaned Hogan.
Who's that? You mean Brother Hogan of dear old Delta Chi.
I had a long talk with Robin this morning,
and, well, I know it's none of my business,
but what do you intend doing about her?
Well, I intend to go shopping for a few special items,
and then I intend to go home and apologize to her
and spend a quiet evening with the girl I love.
There's something about the tone of your voice, David Manning.
What do you mean, "quiet evening"?
Well, Irene, that's really none of your business, now.
I feel myself somewhat responsible for her.
Now, what are your intentions?
Miss Wilson, I am a guy in love.
Now, I'm going to do what any normal male would do.
I'm going to have a quiet little drink with the girl I love
in front of a quiet little fire,
listening to some quiet little music
and let nature take its quiet little course.
See you around, Professor.
David! David!
Pow! Pow!
Hey, buddy-bud, I've been waiting for you.
We've got just enough light left
for about two sets of tennis and then a little workout in the gym.
A nice cool shower. How are you today, old boy?
Fine, fine, brother, but not today.
Wait a minute. Not today?
Now, boy, I don't need to tell you the value of exercise.
You're a man of the world. You know how important it is to be exhausted.
This was passed on down to us by the Greeks.
Sophocles and Plato. True.
A womanless world is the very foundation
of the Platonic theory, isn't it?
Wonderful, wonderful. Listen, you've got to fight hard
against your arch enemy, kid. Vitality.
I tell you, that sounds just great, Hogan.
You go play tennis. Hmm?
I'm going to let my vitality just sit by
a cozy fire tonight and enjoy itself.
Listen, I have misjudged you, boy. I'll see you later.
I'm ashamed of you. Ashamed!
Yeah, well, look us up in the morning, will you?
Not too early. I may be sleeping late.
He's catching on.
Hello.
Honey, I just want to say...
Look, do me one favor. Don't say anything.
Last night never existed, agreed?
Whatever you say.
You're the boss. Okay. I love you very much.
I love you, too, David.
Okay.
That's all that matters, then, really, isn't it?
Yeah.
And tonight... What?
...is another story.
Well, I think I'll go upstairs
and finish dressing, okay? I'll be back in...
Hey, honey, what did you buy? What is it?
Nothing. Some little goodies.
Now, you run along, I'll show you later.
You're acting very strangely.
Well, there may be a lot of strange developments tonight.
Okay.
It's me again. Yeah, so I see.
Where's Robin? Why?
I've been giving this some serious thought, David.
I want to talk to both of you.
You don't mind if I go ahead and work, do you?
No, no, go right ahead. Okay.
I want to discuss with both of you
some of the ramifications of living together,
which neither of you considered.
Yeah, well, it sounds fascinating, but not tonight, Irene.
I'm going to have my say. Okay.
You see, trial marriage among intelligent,
literate people can essentially...
What's this?
That's E. E. Cummings' Puella Mea.
It's a rare copy I happened to come by.
The drawings.
Yeah. It's a private printing.
Oh.
David Manning! You wouldn't.
Yeah, yeah. Little David. I did it.
After you gave your word you wouldn't touch that girl.
Irene, I am not going to continue playing
Alice-Through- the-Looking-Glass
with an adorable juvenile that I happen to love.
You know, it's my fault all this came about.
I've been confusing softness with tenderness.
I've played buddy-buddy to her instead of lover.
And if I can rectify it tonight, I...
Well, I'm going to, with marriage as the door prize.
Well, what about your sense of ethics?
Well, if you don't mention it, I won't, either.
Maybe it'll pass into oblivion with the help of this
strange and rare drink called mescal.
Made from cactus juice, I think.
Hi, Irene. Robin.
What's going on? Irene was just leaving, Rob.
You know what he...
Thanks a lot for dropping by, Irene.
So long.
Come back and see us sometime. Goodbye, Irene.
Goodbye, Irene.
Yeah, we'll see you at school tomorrow.
You poor baby.
Yeah, so long. Be careful.
Bye. Bye now. Be careful, darling.
Now, what was that all about? Hmm?
Women, who can figure them?
Well, isn't this beautiful?
Yeah, yeah.
A fireplace, candles. Is that brandy?
No, no. That is mescal.
Mescal?
Uh-huh. It's a native Mexican drink distilled from pulque.
Are we celebrating something?
Yeah, no, well, could be. There you go.
It's made from some sort of desert cactus plant, I think.
They left the needles in it.
Yeah, they sure did.
Would you like some music?
I'd love it.
Would you like to dance?
I don't know if we should.
Well, arms length.
All right.
Okay.
It's nice.
Dave? Hmm?
Tonight, I'm filled with new hopes and resolve.
I just have a feeling everything's going to work out just great.
Yeah. Let's drink to that. Huh?
All right. Whatever you say, I'm your slave.
There we go. Cheers.
Cheers.
When you get used to it, it tastes just like fruit juice.
Yeah.
Would you pour me another drink, please?
Thank you.
Ah!
David?
Hmm?
Do you know what I think mescal is?
What?
I think it's some mysterious concoction
designed to destroy lovely Mexican girls' willpowers-es.
Willpowers-es?
That's the plural form.
The plural form.
I like it. I like it.
Rob, honey, you know that I love you, don't you,
and that I'd never do anything to harm you?
Of course. Yeah.
Well, of course, it might happen that
I would do something, which, at the moment, might seem to be harmful...
David, that's impossible... Well, no, what I mean is...
You're not capable of it.
I mean, you're much too trustworthy and fine and upstanding.
That's just you.
Yeah, but what I was thinking...
When you make a promise, you stick to it.
Dave, you have a marvelous sense of integrity.
Swell.
Let's drink to your integrity.
Yeah, okay.
Mmm!
What's this?
Just a little book of poetry
that I happened to stumble across.
E. E. Cummings' Puella Mea. I just love it.
Yeah, you know it? By heart.
Well, some of it, at least.
Poetry, music, booze.
Fireplace.
David Manning, if I didn't know you so well,
I'd swear you were trying to seduce me.
Robin! Well, how can you say a thing like that?
Well, I was just teasing.
Well...
"Caliph and king their ladies had to love them and make them glad
"when the world was young and mad, in the city of Baghdad."
The poem is a description of the girl Cummings loved madly.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's drink to old Caliph, huh?
There you go. Okay.
After a couple of these, you hardly notice the needles at all, do you?
You read it to me.
Okay. Now, let's see here...
Let me get to the good part.
"In her perfectest array, my lady, moving in the..."
And I can prove it, too.
You can prove what?
Your integrity.
Why, what other fellow in the whole world
would have stuck to such a difficult promise
as you made to me?
Rob, why have you suddenly developed
such a narrow range of conversation? Now, let's enjoy the evening
and not talk about integrity. Huh?
Sorry. Okay.
Buddy!
Rob, you'd better slow down on that stuff.
Read me!
Yeah, okay, okay.
"In her perfectest array, my lady
"moving in the day, is a little stranger thing than all..."
That's me, big boy, strange! Here.
Yeah.
"If she a little... If she a little turn her head, I know that I am wholly dead.
"But should my..."
"But should my lady smile, it were a flower of pure surprise.
"And if she speak in her frail way..."
Hiya! Rob!
"It is wholly to bewitch..." Rob, for God... Read it, be-bo!
Dynamite me! Go, go, go!
Okay, okay.
"Her body is most beauteous, being for all things amorous,
"fashioned very curiously of roses and of ivory.
"And of all of the..." More, more, more!
Rob, for Pete's sake, take it easy, will you?
"Upon the lovely and keen throat
"the strangeness of her face doth float,
"within her eyes is dimly heard,
"a wistful and precarious bird."
Rob...
"Springing from fragrant shoulders small
"Ardent and perfect withal,
"smooth to stroke and sweet to see..."
For Pete's sake, Rob!
"As supple as the young tree..."
Rob...
"Her slim lascivious arms alight.
"In skillful wrists which hint of flight."
Honey, now look... "Each tapering breast
"is firm and smooth."
Well, for goodness sakes, cut that out!
"Her waist is a most tiny hinge of flesh,
"winsome thing and strange."
Sweetheart, look. Wait just a minute.
"It is a throbbing neck whereby
"to grasp the belly's ample vase."
Honey, wait...
Wait a minute...
David! We can't!
Can we?
Honey...
Rob. David, what's the matter?
Honey, you have the most infuriating damned sense of timing!
Reminding me about commitment at a time like this.
You ever hear of shooting fish in a barrel, huh?
Well, that's you, Rob.
Besides, I don't want some vintner in Mexico City
doing my groundwork for me.
Honey, look, I know your idea is cockeyed, now that much I know,
but I'm not sure that my idea is any better.
Do you understand?
No.
This is no way to start our marriage.
You're half-pie-eyed on mescal
and I'm... Well, I just can't do it.
I just can't do it.
A perfect setup, fire, music and I'm walking. I gotta be cracking up.
Or else I love you more than I realized.
Well, hi, there!
Good evening, you sweet thing.
Rob?
Rob, you decent?
Robin?
Hi.
Good morning.
Good morning, David.
I'm taking the extra tube of toothpaste.
That's all right with me.
Rob...
Robin, will you forgive me for last night?
Forgive you? Yeah.
With me sprawling all over you.
Why, I practically attacked you.
Robin, I set it up, don't you understand?
The mescal, the music, the...
Well, I guess it doesn't matter now, because I'm moving out.
Now, I'm putting you on notice.
All commitments are off.
I love you. I want to marry you,
and I'll do whatever I have to do to get you.
Is that understood?
A new start?
A brand new start.
What's the matter?
Well, David, I've got to tell you...
Tell me what? After you left last night,
Hogan came in and, well, I was in a pretty peculiar state of mind...
Well...
I lost my gorilla.
Hogan, please, you're...
We're trying to settle something.
Hogan, if you don't mind, I'm trying to talk to Dave.
Yeah, well, you kids go right ahead.
Hogan! There he is.
David, I want to tell you all about last night.
Robin, you don't have to tell me anything.
You don't have to account to me or to anybody else.
I just want to explain... Well, I don't want to hear about it.
It is not what you think.
Yeah? Oh. Exactly.
Well, at least have the courtesy to hear me out.
Okay. Okay, I'm listening.
Well...
Well, after you left, Hogan came in and he was very considerate.
Yeah.
And, well, he was very sympathetic.
I'll bet he was.
Well, we sat by the fireplace,
and we were talking and drinking and...
I guess I was a little tipsy.
You were potted, is what you were.
Well, I am not trying to use that as an excuse, David.
Okay.
Anyway,
Hogan explained to me that he thought my plan to live with you
was a rationalization to try and cover up
a basic desire I couldn't face.
A basic desire that you couldn't face.
Yeah, that's my pal, Hogan.
Anyway, out of nowhere, nowhere,
came this brilliant idea.
If all I wanted was to be made love to...
Yeah, yeah, yeah?
...then the particular fellow didn't matter.
And whose brilliant idea was that?
Hogan's.
Oh!
I remember at the time thinking how marvelously lucid his mind was.
It's a beacon in the night.
Well, considering all we had to drink,
why, I was positively fractured.
I couldn't even hit him once in the pillow fight.
The pillow fight?
Yes, the pillow fight.
Well, Hogan was just trying to cheer me up.
I was awfully depressed, Dave.
Oh, honey...
Now, David, will you please listen to me?
Honey, I'm listening. I am listening. All right.
Then he kissed me.
He kissed you?
It was very sweet of Hogan to try and pretend to be so sincere.
And him just a volunteer worker, too.
Well, then we were sitting on the edge of the bed...
That does it! That does it!
David! David!
I haven't the vaguest idea how we got there.
Now, David, you're jumping to conclusions.
Now, what do you think you're doing? Now, stop that, David!
David! Are you out of your mind? Why'd you hit him!
Hit him again when he gets up! Boy, do you pack a wallop!
David, why would you do that?
For the sheer ecstatic pleasure of it.
He's up. Belt him! Well...
You lay a hand on me, and I'll...
David, nothing else happened.
Yeah! What?
It's the truth. I swear it. Nothing happened!
Wait a minute... Do you mean to tell me that you sat over there
and drank with him in the dark and talked sex by the volume
and let him kiss you and everything and nothing?
I kept trying to explain.
Well...
Hogan, look, I'm sorry.
Perfectly all right, I deserved every bit of it.
Yeah, well, I didn't understand.
Fortunes of war, you know, son.
How's the eye?
The eye? The eye's fine.
I'm having trouble with my lip here. You bit it last night.
Hogan, I'm sorry, really.
That's all right. I got another one.
Well, brother, no hard feelings, huh? No.
Come on.
I must say, not every fellow has such a gentlemanly attitude
towards a man who just made love to his girl.
Made love to me? You did not!
Oh. Oh.
I would have lied under oath, but I naturally assumed you'd told him.
Well, there's nothing to tell. It didn't happen.
Well, you had too much to drink. You're confused, Hogan.
Too much to drink and I'm confused.
She's forgotten completely. That's just as good as if nothing happened.
I have not forgotten. It's all right, Rob. Forget it!
Well, listen to him, implying that if it actually had happened,
I wouldn't even know.
That'd be a gyp, wouldn't it?
Let's just drop the whole thing.
I don't... Trying to help you.
What do you want me to say?
I want you to tell the truth.
You didn't do anything!
I didn't do anything, nothing at all whatsoever happened.
Okay.
I didn't? Of course not!
Well, you ought to know. But then again, so should I.
Now, wait a minute, it sure seemed it to me.
I mean, I may not know much, but this is one thing
I've never failed to recognize.
Let's take it from the beginning.
Let's not take it from the beginning! I don't want to know.
David, just calm down.
Well, what about me? I want to know!
I sure want to know about it.
I sure want to know what I did.
Has it gotten so bad I don't know when I do or when I don't?
Merciful heavens, when that goes, what's left?
I would have sworn I had my arms around someone last night.
Morning.
Irene, what are you doing here?
I do keep popping up, don't I?
Oh, good Lord!
I not only don't know "if," I don't even know "who"!
Sorry, I was worried about you last night.
Honestly, everybody's so darned concerned about my well-being.
Will you please listen to me?
I came because I didn't want you and Dave
to start off life on the wrong foot.
I saw that sex trap you set for her last night. Sex trap?
Honey, somebody had to watch out for your welfare,
to see that you didn't drown in your own experiments.
Well, for your information, Irene,
not that it's any of your business,
but I left early last night.
Well, when I got here, you were both gone.
That's what I was trying to tell you.
I was out, walking all night long, thinking.
Well, the place was empty,
except for this miserable creature,
sprawled half-on, half-off the bed in alcoholic stupor!
I put his feet up to make him comfortable, and what does he do?
Out cold, mind you, and he still makes a pass!
I knew it! I knew there was somebody!
I wasn't having hallucinations.
What makes you think so, you worm?
First, he calls me Robin.
Then that doesn't work, he goes right on down the list.
Cheryl, Ericka, Monique, Liz.
Irene, I beg you,
tell me what happened when I got to "Irene"?
By that time, you big ape,
I had all I could do to keep from braining you, drunk or sober.
Robin, take the advice of an older and wiser woman,
pack your things and get out of here now.
Wait, just... I'm the landlord around here.
You mean to tell me that I didn't...
Shut up and leave us alone!
This is very important to me. Out!
Do you mean to tell me... Out!
You're worried about them, what about my emotional security?
Before I get out of your lives forever,
I'm going to give you one last lecture.
Robin, love isn't a mechanical arrangement
worked out over laundry tubs and ovens
and sharing bathrooms together.
The attitude of love is to wish each other well.
To cook for him and darn his socks
and take care of him when he's sick
because you wish him well.
And for you, David, to work for her,
and forgive her when she's a boob,
to put up with all the makeup on your coat
and the car fenders she'll dent
and her moments of bad temper because you wish her well.
Love doesn't suddenly drop from a tree and stay with you forever.
Just like any other husband and wife,
you're going to have to create love
each and every day of your lives.
Now go on and get married and start living together properly.
I love you, you silly puss!
And you take care of her or I'll brain you.
Yech!
Irene. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I don't want to talk to you.
Now, wait a minute. Come on.
It's over. Are you mad?
Out of my way, insect! Now wait.
Why did you come back last night?
You're afraid to admit it. All right, all right.
I'll tell you what you're just dying to hear.
I might as well get it said once and for all.
I used to be in love with you, you poor jackass!
But you never told me. Why I felt love for you
I will never, never know.
You are a liar, a drunk, a lech,
and one of the most ridiculous men I have ever met in my life!
The girl is mad about me.
Hey, Irene? Hey, are you all right?
Goodbye, sin bin.
Phew!
It's all over now, finally. Good.
Irene, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You can't walk out on me now.
She's the one woman who ever cared enough to tell me off.
You should have heard what she called me in there. Beautiful!
Cut me into little pieces and ground me right into the dirt.
Well, something tells me you'll recover.
From this moment on, you're going to see a brand new Hogan.
I doubt if we'll be around.
Work, work, work, Irene,
and we're going to do it together. You and me.
Bye, Hogan. Goodbye?
You're finally out of my system.
Work, work, work, Hogan.
But you can't leave me now. That's not fair.
It's wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Goodbye, Hogan. What?
I'll be back for my things after the honeymoon.
Yeah, goodbye, old pal. I bequeath to you
my barbells and my golf clubs.
Now, give my best to Plato.
- Yeah, well... - Bye-bye.
Ungrateful females, every one of them.
Hold it. Here comes another one.
What does that mean?
Maybe this will give you the general idea.
Well, you, too? Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. We're like a team.
You're like my mother. You wouldn't leave me.
Mother's left. Clean up your own mess from now on. Come on, Murph.
I'm sorry, Mr. Hogan. It wasn't my idea.
Personally, you're aces with me,
and I sure admire the way you...
Murph!
I forgot my tools, honey. I'll meet you at the bus stop.
Come on.
I'll miss you, ace.
All right, go ahead, walk out on me. Every one of you.
Desert the sinking ship. Well, fine, go ahead.
Who needs you? I can get along without any of you.
I'm going to lead a life of celibacy.
I can get along without women.
Young man?
Are there premises available for rent here?
From now on, I rent only to men.
Well, you don't have to be rude.
I'll look elsewhere for my girls.
Girls?
Well, here we go again.
Hello, there, my name is Hogan.
Careful there. Careful now.